A strange thought occurred to me.
About when You were in Egypt. When Joseph and Mary took You and fled to Egypt because of Herod and the massacre of the innocents. When You were there, on Earth, in the flesh, in the form of a small Child, in Egypt - what did You think about?
I mean, there You were, a helpless Child in the place You once...just, ravaged with plagues and death. More than once, actually. Egypt felt Your wrath many times. Maybe not always in the form of frogs and hailstones, but always in death. But that first time, the big one, the time everybody remembers, when You slew the firstborn of Egypt...and now, there You were, kept safe, harbored like a fugitive, by the people You terrorized.
It made me think about myself. We're like that here. You know that. I thought of You as a Child, stirring on a bed of straw or something, dreaming...did You ever dream of Egypt? Did You ever dream of when You turned the river to blood?
Did You think about it when You were wide awake? Maybe when You were playing in a field or something. Maybe You saw some place, some barren little patch, and remembered some Egyptian child You struck down on that spot a thousand years before?
I thought about myself, like I said. And how You have the divine right, the sovereignty, to absolutely obliterate me if You saw fit. Just like You had the right to drown Pharaoh's army. Just like You had the right to slay the firstborn. You give power and You take it away, and You had the right to send the Persians and anybody else You saw fit to conquer Egypt.
And there You were, snug and secure, safe from that madman Herod, safe in Egypt. Of all places. Knowing You'd broken them in pieces so many times. Knowing someday somebody might say You were the madman.
I think of Your right to destroy. I think of Your right to destroy me. Not just my body, but to send me to hell. I know they say I'm not supposed to say that, that You send people to hell. They tell me I'm supposed to say, "people send themselves to hell when they choose to reject Jesus." And I get it, but it just makes it sound like I'm apologizing for You. Like I'm apologizing for the whole idea of hell. But I just can't bring myself to believe You're wrong. There are plenty of people long dead who it would make me very upset to know they're not in hell right now.
So I don't apologize for You. And if You're not wrong, then You wouldn't be wrong to harden my heart and abandon me to evil. To just stop giving me strength, to cut off all Your help.
The Calvinists like to talk about it a lot. About how You "predestine" some people for hell. Like they don't ever have a chance. I don't think I agree. But I know You'd have the sovereign right to do such a thing.
I'd dread telling the Calvinists I think they're right. Knowing how they are, they'd probably tell me, "yeah we already know."
A guy told me once that when You drowned Pharaoh's army, the angels rejoiced, but You rebuked them. You told the angels that the Israelites could rejoice, because the Egyptians had tried to destroy them, but that You, You didn't want to rejoice over drowning the army - they were people You'd created, people You'd given life. And You mourned having to destroy them.
Is that true? Or is it just some extra-Biblical thing, like a fable? I like to think it's true. After all it, it does fit You. You mourned a lot. You mourned on the mountains by Yourself, You mourned when they killed John the Baptist, You mourned when Lazarus was dead.
And You mourned on the cross. Talk about sovereign choices. You chose to suffer and die for me. For everybody, even for Egypt.
Did You weep while You slept on Your bed of straw? Did You dream of how many Egyptians You'd destroyed, and it knotted up Your guts, Your very human guts, to dream of those slain firstborn? Did You mourn when You woke up from the dreams, knowing what You'd do when You were grown up, knowing what they'd do to You on that cross, knowing it was the only way You'd never have to brutalize anybody again?
Unless, like I said, You send them to hell for rejecting You. In Egypt, did You dream about everybody, Egyptian, Jew, Gentile, that someday You'd destroy in hell? Did You dream of someone somewhere two thousand years later, screaming at the sky that You don't have any right?
What did You dream? I wonder. But I know I don't really want to know.
I'd go mad if I knew the things You had to bear in Your dreams.
